According to reports from Swindon, Simon Watkins, 41, has still not entirely calmed down since receiving his Father's Day present on Sunday. The chartered accountant was rumoured to be severely disappointed at opening a badly wrapped package from his wife Julie, 38, children Laura, 9, and Finley, 6, only to find a compilation double CD of Snow Patrol.
'I blame Julie most,' Watkins announced. ' 'I thought you liked Snow Patrol', she says. Yes, dear, I do, that's why I've got all their albums already. As you would know if you could be arsed to look at the CD collection. It's in the front room in alphabetical order, except for your Phil Frigging Collins ones that you've put back in randomly and which I'm hoping you've forgetten about.'
Watkins went on to reveal that it's completely bloody ridiculous to be putting out a 'Best of' album for a band that's been around since about five minutes ago and has only done two studio albums for fuck's sake, or possibly three, but the point still stands. However, psychologists contend that his comments are merely an externalisation of his self-loathing.
'All the evidence suggests that Simon only bought 'Eyes Open' because he liked 'Run', realised the rest of the album was a bit pants but then went and made the same mistake again when they did another good single in 'Chasing Cars',' said Professor James Cranston, a reader in Human Psychology at the University of Reading.
Added Cranston: 'Following the Clash as a teenager should have taught him an important life lesson: never buy an album on the strength of one track. In failing once again to learn this, he is humiliating himself and then venting it on his unfortunate family. Admittedly, if his wife inflicts Phil Sodding Collins on him, I do hold her partly to blame.'
Watkins, however, remains grumpy verging on livid. 'Actually I don't like Snow Patrol that much any more, not since they let Leona Lewis murder 'Run', the mercenary gits. And I know Julie heard me say so, because she just glared at me at the time. No doubt she'll use me telling her what a cute arse her younger sister has as an excuse for forgetting all about it.'