The diplomatic scandal engulfing the US security services took a new twist last night as sources close to the CIA alleged surveillance operations did not stop at listening in on phone calls.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source told us: "It got pretty bad. The President was really into listening to Merkel's gravelly, sensual tones as she gave top secret orders to senior aides, but we all knew that rather than sating him it was only fuelling his desires. It came as no surprise when the President told us he needed a visual.
"With the President treading water on the other end of the line, a snatch team of CIA operatives broke into the cubicle next to Merkel's and began drilling silently through.
"He was into the vinegar strokes by the time they were able to get a live stream."
Reading from a prepared script, President Obama told a packed press conference: "I am not currently watching, nor will I watch in the future, Angela Merkel taking a pee."
Many Republicans showed uncharacteristic support towards the president. One senator told us: "It's been a tough few weeks for Obama. As a Republican I have been able to maintain diamond-cutting tumescence throughout the government shutdown, but for him it must have been more of a turn-off than that time I sat on the TV remote and it flicked over to The Daily Show."
Meanwhile French president Francois Hollande was unavailable for comment, though an aide told reporters that he would be coming out from behind the bush to answer questions as soon as Merkel finished her morning jog.