INEOS chairman, Jim Ratcliffe, has made it clear that unless the petrochemical workforce adopt reduced pensions, double-barrelled surnames and a taste for white truffles they will not be invited to St James's Palace.
Stunned union members, will need to break the news to their families that their elocution, deportment and tax-evasion lessons were all for naught. One dirt-stained worker fought back the tears: 'UNITE told us that we did nae need to look like an Earl, a wee swan or a chinless bawbag tae attend the Royal christening. But I have nae scooby how tae re-train as an Equerry - dinnae whit it is? Some kind of dafty search engine?'
A spokesman for Finance Secretary John Swinney said: 'While we regret the closure of a plant that contributes a billion pounds to the economy, we are more concerned about the potential faux pas. Losing your livelihoods through an act of brutal capitalism is one thing. But no Scottish worker would wish to embarrass themselves in front of the Royal couple while discussing grouse hunting, breast feeding and ‘keeping the oiks’ out of Marlborough College.'