Nicorette have revealed today they are to launch a new line of products which help people who are addicted to telling people they quit smoking stop. These range from a series of ‘mouth patches’, which cover the addicts mouth, making it difficult to yap on about how much better they feel , to a ‘Quick Mist’, which makes the addict’s breath smell so bad that no one will be foolish enough to stop and listen to them explain how much more energy they have now.
A spokesman has said the company noticed a gap in the market and pounced on it.
“We realised that there were literally thousands of people, who took up telling people they quit smoking as soon as they quit smoking, and are now hooked. For many of them it seems like a pathological compulsion, as if they can’t help but point out how brave they’ve been and how positive the change has made them about the future. And yet there’s no one out there tending to this need.”
Reports suggest that people who quit smoking usually get hooked fairly quickly: they tell their mum, and the enthusiasm and pride she shows is overwhelming. But it wears off, and soon enough they have to tell other people, chasing that initial buzz. Soon they’re telling twenty people every day and wasting money they don’t have getting to places there are new people to tell.
Jeremy Hunt has also addressed the issue, suggesting in the future he plans to ban people from telling people they quit smoking in pubs and public areas, so that strangers don't have to over hear any more tiresome Americanized self-congratulatory bullshit, which Hunt has dubbed "second-hand smug." This will mean telling-people-they-quit-smoking addicts will be forced go outside and simply tell other people who quit smoking about how they managed to quit smoking.
Hunt says he hopes to work with those afflicted to beat the addiction, on the one condition that, if successful, they "never fucking mention it!"