Government scientists have come to the conclusion that badgers are pretty much immortal following the failure of the recent cull to put much of a dent in their numbers.
‘Not only can they survive TB’ explained DEFRA’s Owen Paterson, ‘dragging their disease-ridden bodies around the countryside and passing it on to cattle, but they also don’t seem to be particularly bothered by shotgun pellets or high-velocity rifle bullets. We’ve shot loads of the buggers, but they keep on coming. There’s something unearthly about them. I reckon they might be undead…’
NFU spokesman Ian Johnson called for urgent funding for research into new ways to kill the sinister, striped creatures. ‘I heard a rumour that the only ones we did manage to kill were ones that stumbled into patches of wild garlic’ he said. ‘If this is true there may be a genetic link between them and vampires, so we should be going after them to put stakes through their hearts, or firing silver bullets at them. Or is that werewolves? Maybe they’re werebadgers! God help us all!!!’
Cull opponent Brian May welcomed the news that badgers may be related to vampires however. ‘All we’ve got to do is tie bunches of garlic around cows’ necks and the badgers won’t go anywhere near them’ he droned. ‘Although then our entire cattle population might think they’re French, go on strike and then we’ll have no milk or dairy products. Oh well, as long as the badgers are alright.’
The news might also be good news for the MOD, which is already thought to be drawing up plans to train badgers to fight the Taliban. ‘Badgers could be a valuable, and, more importantly cheap, addition to our armed forces’ he said. ‘They won’t need any body armour and won’t be able to fire guns, which is perfect because we ran out of body armour and guns about two years ago.’
A whole range of badger-related movies is also expected to hit our screens over the next couple of years if the theory is found to be true, with badgers expected to star in films like Die Hard and James Bond, where the lead character gets shot at by all and sundry but never gets killed. ‘Badgers have got everything’ mugged director Quentin Tarantino. ‘They’re hard to kill, might be undead and are going to be getting post-traumatic stress disorder in Afghanistan – it’s the perfect movie in waiting. All I need to do is teach them how to swear.’