With energy costs at their highest yet, David Cameron has announced plans to link crematoria across the UK to the national grid.
The revelation followed a question by opposition leader, David Miliband about what the PM was doing to solve Britain’s energy crisis.
In response he said, “I can assure the right honourable gentleman that we are doing everything within our power to keep the lights on for hard working people and to keep fuel costs down. Since we are powerless to stop energy companies from raising prices, a programme of improvement and innovation will see Britain’s crematoria linked to the national grid from December 1st.”
Back bench Tory ministers cheered the plans as the Prime Minister also announced moves to create a walking stick ‘amnesty’. Under the scheme relatives of the deceased will be encouraged to take redundant wooden sticks, rocking chairs and old copies of the People’s Friend to collection points to provide extra fuel for the grid.
“With the first three months of the year traditionally having the highest mortality rates amongst the elderly, people can rest assured that energy supplies will not be affected.”
But the moves have caused anger amongst charitable organisations. A spokesman for Age Concern hit back at the government. “Melting your granny down to provide heat for other pensioners is recycling gone mad. Imagine lying on your death bed knowing that when your light goes out you’ll be illuminating another."
When told about the new scheme at her care home in Bournemouth, 110 year old Florence Gainsborough, the UK’s oldest citizen said “Aye? What did he say? Ooh it’s bitter cold in here, has anyone seen Elsie?”