Tradition is to be restored in the testing procedure for recruiting top judges, civil servants and policemen.
OUT will go modern, trendy continental techniques for assessing a candidate's merits, such as the intelligence quotient (IQ) test. The emotional quotient (EQ) is also be retired as a tool of human resource analysis. Instead, Britain is to revert to the classic system for establishing the order of merit, the OSTQ (old school tie quotient). A man's (yes, man's) ability to produce the right school tie will become the de facto standard measure of competence, leadership and vision.
This is a triumph for common sense, said Rupert De Bearskin-Blythe, a retired wing commander and captain of industry who sits on the board of a number technology companies, such as Slide Rules for Schools, BetaMax Futures and Fax-u-Like. "These new fangled IQ and EQ tests are a dashed load of nonsense. Political correctness gone mad. The OSTQ will restore sanity in a world that seems to have forgotten its moral compass, broken its pencil and lost its sharpener."
Some of Britain's greatest military triumphs, such as the Charge of The Light Brigade and the First World War, were presided over by military top brass selected under the OSTQ system. But in recent years, a disturbing number of trendy practices had taken hold in the institutions of this once great nation. Unsubstantiated ideas about widening the talent pool, increasing competition and allowing social mobility began to poison the well of management theory. But a return to basics could see Britain restored to former glories.
Now even the Labour party has recognised the importance of the hereditary principle, with many sons and daughters of MPS being parachuted into safe constituencies. If they're really lucky, they are sent to exclusive private schools.
"Prepare to usher n the good times," said De Bearskin-Blythe, "we're heading back to the class system. Rule Britannia."