Oh, how the mighty hath fallen.
London, Saturday night, 11pm. Glamour and glitz at every turn as beautiful bodies swamp the streets. However, amongst the catatonic choreography, one woman stuck out like a sore and under-preened thumb. Barbie Doll, once the high priest of fashion, emerges from her ‘Barbie Glam Convertible’ with a face like a slapped arse, wearing no obvious make-up, a mis-matched and baggy outfit, and looking, to one onlooker, “rather porky.”
“She couldn’t have slept more than an hour” Heat Magazine claimed of Barbie's clammy complexion, “she looked haggard. Supposedly her roommate is making her sleep with the light on. She really ought to stop courting the press by leaving her home if she’s not gonna put in at least a superhuman amount of effort to look good.”
This is the most recent in a slew of Heat Magazine attacks on the pink princess, who just last week it dubbed a “slapper” after catching Barbie saucily climbing out of a taxi, allowing anyone who happened to be lying under the vehicle ready with a camera, to see right up her dress! These up-skirt pictures have caused controversy for being “invasive”, but Heat editor Lucie Cave defended the photo, insisting they were “tastefully pixelated.”
New stylist/omnipotent ventriloquizing slave-master Lucy, 6, has taken a large portion of the blame from fans for the recent disintegration of Barbie’s beauty . It’s thought that the mutually loving bond Lucy and Barbie doll have struck has made Barbie feel “finally free” to eat what she wants, let her Promethean exercise regime go, and even stop worrying too much about makeup, just as long as the two of them can spend time together.
“Loathsome, the both of 'em”, a pimple necked Heat magazine writer sneeringly states.
This apparent neglect of her appearance has led to Barbie doll being branded by parental groups across the country as “setting a bad example” for young girls and giving girls "too realistic expectations". They argue that the doll’s letting-herself-go is damaging young girl’s self-esteem, by showing them the ultimately ephemeral nature of beauty, and sending the message to children that even if they do miraculously turn out unrealistically beautiful, one day, if they don’t work 23 hours a day on their them, their looks will eventually fade. And then who will love them?
“If even their dolls eventually look like shit”, one father angrily demanded, “then what kind of hope can these little girls have?!”