Honours shared with Not Amused
“By removing unnecessary levels of red tape, we believe we will soon see services which cater more accurately to local needs,” Jeremy Hunt announced, launching a Free Hospital system modelled on the already successful Free Schools format. 'Acupuncture heart transplants', 'herbal hysterectomies', and 'vasectomies with a vodka' are all thought to be in the advanced stages of planning by a London Free group . A larger group in Yorshire is getting rid of 'southern softie anaesthetic' altogether.
Tomorrow at Chessington Free hospital, Jake Smitherhurst will perform his first ever surgical operation on a volunteer’s brain. “I’m not qualified under the old system,” Jake, a lab technician confessed, taking time off from how-to-do-surgery text book, with its own special DVD, published by Dorling Kindersely. “But my science GCSE’s are impeccable. Patients needn’t worry. The A star is for biology!”
However, many new Free Hospital surgeons have quit after a few days. Some found they couldn’t stand the sight and smells associated with surgery, some found they couldn’t find a vein. Others discovered that they “didn’t know where to look” when faced with naked patients. Only a tiny fraction of originally-appointed homeopathic doctors are still in place, though they argue this makes them more effective.
The single area where numbers haven’t dwindled is psychiatry, with large numbers of new “free” clinicians “having a whale of a time”, according to their spokesperson, Sigmund Schmidt, formerly Steve Smith, a Bromley health-foods retailer. ““My old chob vos not much different. Loads of nuts involved!” he joked. Herr Doktor Schmidt described a typical day’s work: “Ve are all going round in vite coats und asking patients to tell us zeir dreams, talking like ziss, even zo ve are mostly von Sidcup!” he told reporters. Critics have attacked this form of treatment, especially where it is being used on conditions like broken legs.
Jeremy Hunt told the British Amateur Medicine Journal: “Yes there have been hiccups in our roll-out of free Pharmacies, with some Pharmacists being a little too free, prescription wise. And our free dentist service is facing teething problems." Mr Hunt pointed to a new GP scheme in Orpington, where from tomorrow patients can get a flu jab on demand. “We have all been practising our jab skills on our lovely receptionist, Mrs Smithers,” said 16 year old work experience doctor Janine Jacobs. Mrs S has had 104 flu jabs already, so she won’t be getting ill this winter! If she wakes up.”
Meanwhile The Fire Servie is currently studying the way gardeners use hosepipes and believes there is ‘synergy' between the two professions. "We are considering putting members of the Fire Brigades Union on gardening leave, freeing up the gardeners to staff the fire service," said a spokesfirefighter.