The stout family from Glasgow have told this month of their horror at realising son Patrick, 33, was becoming increasingly dependent sobriety.
Reporters were told the family first became suspicious upon noticing how easily Patrick had found his way home one night from the pub. Later, after further investigation, they found he had drunk nothing but a few bottles of Budweiser that night.
“He had literally no alcohol in his system” they explained, outraged.
Friends say he had been eating “nearly half” of his five a day, and even “toying” with the idea of starting yoga. His face had reportedly been entirely bruise-free for months by now, and one friend claims, still flummoxed, that he saw Patrick simply walk away from a drunk old man in the street who was clearly looking at him funny.
The horror continued as Patrick appeared to become reliant on sobriety to do his work, to drive, even just to feel normal.
"He was out of control" they admit, shamed, "first thing he'd do in the morning was eat some fruit and go for a jog!"
He reportedly appeared consistently comfortable in his own skin, failing to neglect his personal hygiene and describing showering every day as “no big hassle.” He even seemed to be thinking optimistically of the future, wondering what it might hold for a lovely sober fellow such as himself.
Between themselves, the family began sharing harrowing observations.
“Dickhead” one cousin had noticed.
“Fuck bucket” another pointed out.
They say it all came to a head as Patrick was caught secretly buying vegetables from a dodgy looking man at a market stall in middle of the morning, an innocent smoothie hanging incriminatingly from his freshly pressed suit trousers, and a strangely sincere look of contentment smearing his face.
Compassionately, hopefully, lovingly however, the family have vowed to help Patrick back onto drink and illegal substance one day at a time. They say he's already made great progress, and whilst he still occasionally has flashes of self-awareness and nostalgia for the way he used to live during nights of berserk booze and coke fuelled family fun, claim he is just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other on the way to pub, and knows deep down this is the right way to a good life.
The family say they have opened up about the embarrassing issue to raise awareness of such awful awareness and self-control, in the hopes that other people in similar positions don’t fall fowl to the same brutal fate.
“Not everyone’s get be to lucky” mother Patty slurred at a wall, thinking it was our reporter.