“What’s the problem with all these moaning pensioners?” says Joe Propaganda “I’d be like a pig in shit if it was me!
Look, everybody knows most pensioners are past their use-by date and nobody wants to know them anymore, apart from ripping them off with care home fees. But they still have the vote and I have to try to appeal to them somehow, so I have have devised a winter survival guide to pretend I care.
Firstly, the furher has announced, make sure your bedroom contains a tv, microwave, kettle, freezer, convector heater and is next to the toilet. All these items are cheap to buy.
Stock up your bedroom with plenty of soups and other long-life nutritional food.
Use the winter fuel allowance to buy a good quality electric blanket, lie in bed all day watching tv (courtesy of the free tv licence). Don’t forget to turn over every now and again to avoid bedsores and turn off radio 5 live whenever the smug twat nicky campbell appears.
When not chatting to all your global pals online, use your computer/laptop next to your bed to order groceries and takeaways.
Come springtime, when you have died earlier, the maggots have eaten you and your room is full of dead flies, the people of Britain will appreciate you did the right thing.
If every pensioner in the land did this, our energy consumption would fall dramatically and I would go down in history as the greatest PM of all time!”