Exhaustive studies, coupled with an allergic reaction to pickled herring, have enabled the world’s Press to conclude that there is nothing more chilling than a gun wielding maniac who can hum A-ha’s entire back catalogue. When not curing fish with detergent or showing Edward Munch their ‘happy face’, most Western Scandinavians are killers waiting to pounce.
A representative from INTERPOL said: ‘The evidence is clear, first Adam Lanza and now Hassan Abdi Dhuhulow. There’s only so much prosperity, universal health care and Ibsen you can take before going postal. As we know, acts of terrorism are nothing to do with an unscrupulous arms industry, poverty or a radicalized youth; its root cause is too much reindeer meat.’
As one BBC reporter explained: ‘It seems perfectly reasonable to conclude that 2 terrorists out of a population of 5,051,300 is an epidemic. And the nice thing about Norwegians is you can be as racist about them as you like and no one notices...which is why we recommend Roy Hodgson stick to motivational jokes involving three guys from Oslo.’