Health fanatics and hypothermia sufferers were celebrating the launch of a new activity-tracking wristband, which guarantees to monitor fitness goals, frostbite and the gluttonous proceeds of energy suppliers. As prices rise, the ‘Fuelband’ automatically constricts to encourage the wearer to flail their arms in an agitated state, thus raising their core body temperature.
A spokeswoman for Energy Minister Ed Davey offered this advice: ‘We recommend energy customers employ squat thrusts to counter trench foot, abdominal crunches to cure chilblains and ironman triathlons just to keep OAP’s from complaining. The poor can stay warm, improve productivity and get a body that Jillian Michaels would die for’.
At its product launch, Nike revealed that the graphical display will slowly translate from English into French and finally be rendered into Chinese text, to reflect the growing proportion of the UK nuclear industry being sold overseas. Also, the Fuelband syncs to an iPhone app so family members are alerted when users slip into a cold induced coma. While Nike tries to give you ‘what you need in order to stay motivated’, British Gas will be doing their bit to get people active by offering blue lip concealer, motivational speeches from the Battle of Stalingrad and a 38% chance of survival.