The police are to circulate efit pictures of a pair of breasts allegedly once belonging to a now prominent MP. The breasts, thought to be in their mid thirties, were initially photographed when the MP was a teenager. Now, they could be key evidence in a criminal investigation which has attracted the attention of the world’s press, and could restore public faith in the Metropolitan Police’s ability to distract attention from other arguably more serious matters.
“It has been revealed to us that somebody, somewhere is in possession of photographs of the original breasts, now attached to a Member of Parliament” said Inspector Jean Jones of the Metropolitan police at a well attended press conference. “These were taken – possibly unlawfully - when the owner was a teenager. There are other persons looking for the originals, and they too may have criminal intent. Naturally we are desperate to get our hands on them before the criminals use them for their own evil purposes. This is a threat to our democracy and we take it very seriously indeed.”
Ms Jones continued: “That is why we are releasing realistic pictures of what we think the images of the breasts may look like. Obviously they were taken some years ago, and we want people to imagine what they would look like today. They were created by a specialist team of police artists and photographers after weeks of forensic work. We want as many people to see them as possible. If you’re a tabloid journalist and you’re offered pictures of what purport to be the breasts we are looking for, we ask you to please let us know, and write about it at great length. And if you have seen the real breasts in question, and can match them up with our mock ups, then it’s just a matter of putting two and two together.”
Asked whether there might be a danger of people making fun of the idea of an ‘e fit’ picture, Ms Jones went on to say “We cannot comment on whether the MP is fit or not, despite comments from colleagues in the West Yorkshire force today. Ms Da Petrio’s identity must remain confidential. These breasts are at the centre of difficult and ongoing inquiries. They are being handled with the utmost sensitivity.” Police sources have said the investigation is designed to last longer than the Andy Coulson Rebekah Brooks trial. "It's designed to be a fast moving story with carefully timed revelations as matters in the Mitchell case and others unfold," said a senior officer.
Shortly after the announcement, another MP said she too was inappropriately photographed, this time while appearing on an un named TV reality show. She said that a picture of her could also become the focus of blackmail. Police are now looking into whether this picture is “a stunt”.