Hans Bloch, a middle aged Austrian man, has found himself the centre of feverish media debate this week after admitting he had an “entirely healthy” relationship with his family.
Bloch appeared obliging if slightly bemused when investigative journalists began turning up at his house. He proceeded to show them lovely pictures of his family smiling together, looking every bit the happy clan he had claimed. He admitted there isn’t a history of questionable political decisions in his family and, to journalist’s disgust, described his marriage as “entirely loving.” Under pressure Bloch did confess to "laying a hand on his daughter", but only to "hug her with pride" at her university graduation. When reporters tried to aggressively goad him into showing his inner violently incestuous sex maniac he reacted in a deplorably calm manner and offered a cup of coffee and a comfy chair to calm them down.
At first, correspondents say they found Bloch's ability to back up every one of his claims "suspicious", asking what honest man doesn't lie at least a little bit. They were made uneasy by the absence of outrageous debauchery, seeing it a classic sign that he was expertly and villainous hiding some kind of outrageous debauchery from them. Outraged, reporters say the things they imaged he was hiding from him were "thoroughly contemptible!", one writer claiming to have been physically sick at what his own twisted mind was forced to conjure up.
Later, journos were titillated upon discovering a secret sex dungeon in the house, but any salacious fantasies reporters began entertaining were quickly squashed when Bloch invited them down to see the ‘cellar’ he and his son built together for the family to keep old belongings they can’t quite commit to throwing away.
When reporters desperately interrogated him about the Oedipal theory Bloch simply shrugged, saying “Freud’s mum must just have been sexy.”
Tan toothed tabloid journalists have lamented that the only story Bloch is good for is "'e talks funny", and called it “despicable” for this lack of drama to be allowed to continue, claiming Bloch has some kind of personal vendetta against and has unfairly singled them out simply for being from a culture he does not, and seems to have no interest in, understanding. “Whatever meets his selfish needs” they bitterly spewed.
Others however have taken a more compassionate approach, suggesting we look past Bloch’s refusal to be of any interest to the toxic British media, and try and understand what terrible absence of adversity in his past has left him so damned dull.