The Managing Director of British Gas, Ian Peters, has today confirmed plans to 'remove' a record number of adorable grandparents in the lead-up to Christmas, in a desperate bid to rid his home town and beyond of the aged, which he believes will make roads 'less hazardous', 'shorten the queues' in his local Post Office, and remove the 'annoying obligation' he has to visit his mother on Christmas Day.
'I really dislike old people', confirmed Peters at a press conference today. 'They're, like, really forgetful, they wear brown and old clothes, I can never get a doctors appointment after November the 1st, and they smell. I'm doing us all a favour. This new business plan could really take-off, weather permitting'.
Pensioners, who are now officially 'too poor' to live, are currently being supported by charities who are distributing tins of tomato soup with portable stoves, and emergency leaflets that offer advice on which items of furniture are 'safest to burn indoors'.
When questioned about the criticism British Gas have received, in particular accusations that price rises are exploiting the vulnerable in the name of profit, Peters countered: 'This is absolute rubbish. I can promise you that this price increase will not make British Gas a penny more in profit, this is genuinely just a personal vendetta I have against everybody over the age of 65, nothing more'.