Members of the NUT and NASUWT unions have been forced to re-evaluate their lives and take a break from inspection regimes, dwindling pay and coffee breath. In what was meant to be a day of national industrial action, golf courses throughout the UK have reported a steep rise in the number unmarked essays littering their fairways.
Eyewitnesses attest to seeing tweed-encrusted individuals whistling, smiling and ‘discovering the will to live’. Meanwhile, the nation’s parks have now become infested with laughing elbow-patched teachers, now liberated from weekend detention sessions, sexting pupils and hard drink. Less joyous are the parents who have now realised that there was a good reason why they chose to spend only a quarter of the year with their ignorant offspring.
One disgruntled teacher said: ‘Maybe those who ‘can’t do’ do teach but I haven’t noticed Gove offering to do any lesson cover? I’d earn three times as much in Advertising, without having to endure the insufferable circle time, litigious parents and paper-cuts to the soul. For once I can genuinely say - it's not my time you're wasting, it's yours’.
A spokesman for Michael Gove said: ‘The Education Sector is just like the ARA General Belgrano; the only peaceful solution is to bomb the s**t out of it. We need to send these dissidents a message. As recent police transcripts suggest, the only people qualified to fiddle with our kids are respectable Tories such as the Secretary of State and Jimmy Savile. And for those teachers still on strike, I have two words for you. Pol. Pot.’