After beating Poland 2-0 last night, the England football team have qualified for the World Cup finals in 2014. Manager Roy Hodgson has said he is deeply proud, and excited to spend the next 9 months working with the team on planning excuses for their failure to live up to fans now ludicrously heightened expectations.
Hodgson has said “I hope our inexplicable qualification for the 2014 World Cup can bring together the whole country in a search for the best excuse for our inevitable failure to score even a single goal in the finals.”
The team have said Hodgson’s initiative in planning ahead like this has shown him to be “a true leader.”
Frank Lampard has reportedly already begun arranging for Ashley Cole to sleep with his girlfriend, so that if during the finals the players show communication difficulties or don’t appear to work as a team, the story can be “leaked” to the tabloids and raging hormones be named the real culprit.
Wayne Rooney has already begun making his complaints, claiming he has been suffering extreme stress recently as he cannot tell if his eyes are closed in the dark. This, he says, has caused him to be simultaneously afraid he has become blind and lost the ability to close his eyes. He has also hinted to the press that he has been diagnosed with the early stages of “face cancer”, which he suggests will most likely begin to be a real problem “in around 8 months.”
It is said Hodgson has offered F.I.F.A “anything they want” to make sure England are drawn in a group with Spain, Germany, and Argentina.
Members of the public protesting that England do have a chance in hell at the finals and should “have the balls” make a sincere attempt were today discovered to be trouble making Scotsmen undercover, in the greedy pursuit of schadenfreude.
Insider reports claim that Hodgson has been trying to fabricate some kind of budgetary issues for the team so that they can claim proper training facilities weren’t available to them in the run up to the competition, and Jermaine Defoe has been sighted begging strangers on the street to “stamp on his face” in order to obtain an injury. Jack Wilshire has told the papers his doctor is “worried I don’t have the right amount of blood”, a problem he says is further exacerbated by their refusal to state whether he has too much or too little.
Many players have started campaigning tirelessly for themselves to be excluded from the 2014 squad, in fear of humiliation. Hodgson is said to have praised this phenomenon as "showing what England is really good at."
The manager plans to bring through several “up and coming” player so that failure to live up to their potential can be blamed. Equally, Hodgson has pledged to include more Arsenal players so that a lack of experience in high profile competition finals can be used as justification of poor performances.