In an astonishing announcement on Crimereconstructionwatch, the man in charge of the Madeleine McCann investigation, DCI Ron Bull revealed the astonishing breakthroughs he has achieved.
'We took nothing for granted,' said DCI Bull. 'For a start, we wanted to know who exactly were "Gerry" and "Kate"? Were they who they claimed to be? That took a fair few months, I can tell you.
'Next, we had to verify their claim to have been on holiday in Portugal. Well - was there such a place as "Portugal"? The Portugese police just assumed there was, but as I said, I was taking nothing for granted.
'Finally, after many years of painstaking investigation, I can exclusively reveal that:
- The McCanns went on holiday to Portugal
- Madeleine was abducted
'I think you'll agree that is a huge step forward.
'Furthermore, we now know who abducted her. The key was in not believng she was abducted at 9.30. Only idiots believe that now. No, we now know it was at 9.31 That came as a revelation to us all.
'Which means we now know who was responsible. It was the man carrying her away. Or burglars. Or charity collectors. Or the e-fit man. Or a blond man. Or several blond men. Or men lurking around. Or aliens. Or Doctor Who.
And what happened was clearly pre-planned. Or spontaneous.
'Let's face it, according to my reckoning, the place was swarming with villains, and Kate and Gerry were the only honest people in the entire complex.
'That's all a bit different from the Portugese police's vague guesswork, isn't it!'