Thomas Green, a delivery driver from Yeovil has finally rid himself of a 'sixteen year ordeal' today, after an 'error report' he sent to Microsoft in 1997 finally returned, via email, with a solution.
'This has been hanging over me for nearly two decades', smiled the 42-year-old now error-free father of two. 'All I remember was making a cup of tea whilst waiting for my browser to load AskJeeves.com, where I had planned to ask Jeeves a series of random and amusing questions. When I returned I found my browser had frozen and I was presented with the opportunity to report the error to Microsoft at the click of a button. Naturally I did, but I didn't realise that I would get divorced and remarried, survive prostate cancer and go on five holidays before the solution actually arrived'.
Christopher Veran, a Solutions Expert for Microsoft, said: 'We're really pleased that Thomas is satisfied with the solution he finally received. There's a backlog of some 3.6 billion errors I'm sifting through. Thomas is now free to bin his dial-up modem and begin his two-year wait for a BT engineer to install wireless. We expect he'll be posing plenty of hilarious questions to Jeeves by 2016 at the very latest'.
When asked about the solution, Thomas said: It was so simple, I kind of feel a little daft now. It states that I should not bother reporting any future errors via this route as it's a redundant feature that never actually worked'.
Billionaire business magnate Bill Gates added: 'Basically, the "Report an Error" function was just an elaborate ruse used to convince people that their software issues were being tackled by the finest computer technicians on the planet. In reality, they were being dumped on a giant server housed in an industrial estate in Bolton. You really think we have a f*****g clue why your tabs have randomly closed whilst you were surfing porn? Just turn it off and on again or something'.