God almighty, the famously self-employed inventor and property mogul, has revealed that a series of Jehovah’s witnesses arriving at his office for their ultimate holy judgement have attempted to convince him to join their religion.
‘They certainly seemed enthusiastic,’ the heavenly father says, in a surprisingly brusque Yorkshire baritone, ‘plenty of pamphlets. I love a good pamphlet, me. But it just weren't my cuppa tea. Interesting take, though. It felt a bit like an author reading an amusingly misguided review of his book. Like Dostoevsky being interpreted as a self-book, or Chris Moyles' biography being judged as high art. Not negative, just odd.’
‘I did take issue with a couple of their ideas, mind. Not celebrating my own son’s birthday seems a bit harsh, don’t it? And then really celebrating the day he were murdered? Cripes! And also, this malarkey about going to church to be closer to me? I mean, I’m everywhere. Surely they can see that don’t make sense?’
Our reporter was eager to find out the fate of these perhaps naively ambitious proselytizers, as Jehovah’s witnesses famously don’t believe they have an eternal afterlife. However, when asked whether they have souls or not, God simply grinned and, proving he has just as dark a sense of humour as the existence of testicles suggests, said ‘of course they have souls. But only so that they may be damned!’