England players have hit back at the fan who invaded their dressing room after the disappointing performance against Algeria and labelled them a disgrace. Acting on intelligence and market research, the players have issued a statement that the chip shop, run by dressing room interloper Pavlos Joseph serves 'the limpest chips in Crystal Palace - and that's up against a lot of competition.'
In an official statement for the England team, a spokesman said Pavlos Joseph is a fine one to talk about performance and value for money. Having studied the Joseph family chip shop, in south east London, investigators have concluded that Joseph could be frittering away his legacy, and that his plaice could take a battering.
'The people of Crystal Palace spent a lot of their disposable income, and in some cases their child benefit and job seeker's allowance, on chips. They expect to see a professionally turned out squad of fries in the styrofoam arena. They need to be tight, toned and with no fat on them,' said a spokesman, 'they don't want to see anything limp and unmotivated.'
The chip shop squad's preparation was criticised, and there were allegations that the oil hadn't been warmed up properly. Other's described confusing scenes over selection, with gherkins and mushy peas being dropped at the last minute, with no explanation. The quality of delivery has been criticised, with timings difficult to predict. 'At this level we don't want to hear excuses,' said one critic, 'at this level, with international competition so strong, you're gonna get punished.'
A Newsbiscuit contributor, who begged to remain anonymous, confessed that he lived in Crystal Palace for a long time, and remembers decades of frustration and hurt in the fish and chip arenas of SE19. 'Making chips all day would be a dream job for many of us. You've giving enormous pleasure to the public, people recognise you in the street and you experience adulation every friday and saturday night. And yet, and yet, these dilettantes seem to treat the job with disdain. They don't know how lucky they are,' he said.
However, the Joseph family chip shop is still in the competition. But they're going to have to up their game, warns an FA spokesman.
All Chip shop / football performance analogies welcome