The Treasury was pleased to announce that Paolo 'Crazy Eye' Calamari' would be extending a 'high-interest short-term loan' to the US, with the President's body to be 'offered as collateral'. Wall Street financiers welcomed this intervention by a criminal syndicate, saying: 'While we anticipate some intimidation in the event of further defaulting. The Mafia a long history of fiscal responsibility, omertà and aggressive use of meat-hooks'.
The Brooklyn loan shark (whose previous clients included Johnny 'Pigskins' Malone, the City of Detroit and Donald Trump) said he was pleased to have this opportunity to 'tawk' about 'ahranging' help for the world economy but: 'After woods nobawdy wants to wake up heeeya next ta da severed heads of da Obama's dawgs 'Sunny' and 'Bo'. Ya know? In New Yawk we pay our debts. Ya know, wat I'm sayin?'.
A White House spokesman explained: 'Once the President had established he wasn't wearing a wire, Crazy Eye was happy to bail out the Administration. It was also felt that the Republicans will think twice about a partial shutdown of the US Government, if they are visited by a scary Sicilian called 'Three Guns' Graziani. We have a simple message - support healthcare reform or sleep with the fishes'.