Hundreds of islanders are being left scared and vulnerable as a result of 'inappropriate' calls to the Isle of Wight's Fire Brigade.
According to a report, which comes after yesterday's incident in which a man’s shoe was stuck on a garage roof in Shanklin, firefighters are 'wasting their time' trying to deal with 'real emergencies' when they should be responding to the concerns of the phobic as well as those unfortunate citizens who may happen to have a phallic shaped vegetable trapped in their rectum.
"We are not here to respond to real emergencies," coughed Senior fire officer Barry Thimbledick, "We've a duty to the frightened and worried individuals out there who can't sleep at night because their eyelids won't close properly, or those that may have a spider crawling across their pillow, or perhaps just need help closing a window. And of course, we can’t forget the poor people of Ryde that are bordering on starvation because they can't open their tins of mashed potato. These people are our priority” confided the aged fireman, who urged the public to consider the consequences before making ‘real emergency’ calls.
But this is not the first time the island’s fire service has come under scrutiny. In 1987, local farmer Nigel Frogget was stranded in a field for five hours with his penis wedged in a Large Black pig while firemen battled a blaze at a chip shop in Sandown. Negligence he claims, that led to years of humiliation, death threats and even physical attacks all culminating in the eventual suicide of the pedigree porker.
Now with talks of possible strike action being taken by the island’s hose wielders, fears of similar incidents occurring are rife among the small community after Marjorie Carstairs, owner of the grocery store in Cowes, warned that she has sold out of goose fat in the last week and is not due to re stock for at least a month.
Meanwhile, Mr Thimbledick, has advised residents that if strike action does go ahead, not to worry, and if they must persist in 'boffing' their 'loved-ones', then to consider using paraffin wax instead. “I’ve been using it for years” he said, “and it’s never done me any harm.”