The head of the Russian People's Democratic Party (KGB for short) has demanded to know when The Guardian will start printing 'secrets' that it doesn't know already.
'It is disgrace!' said Mr V Putin. 'All big fuss in England, big secrets printed in left-wing toilet paper they say. But when I read, nothing! No secrets, nothing! We, the Russian People's Democratic Party, we know all this things already, long time.
'All this England people, they say Snowden bad man, tell everyone big secrets. Huh huh huh! As you say in west, tell me something I don't know. Please.
'We know all things. We know winner this year's X Factor and Strictly Dancing Come. We know winner all sporting games and your next election. As well as all our elections for next fifty years.
'But one thing we know not, so must be big secret. What purpose is ladyboy Clegg?'