(An attempt to splice the best of the contributions from Iggy Pop Barker, Dan Beige, ronseal and sillybugger)
Dr Peter Higgs, co-discoverer of the Higgs boson particle, has told reporters that he may be unable to collect the Nobel Prize in Physics in Stockholm, as the particle went missing at his home. Now, in view of Higgs’s failure to come to the ceremony and the fact that observing any entity has an effect on it, quantum physicists are asking if Higgs had accepted the prize, if he still existed, or had ever existed at all.
‘I had it wrapped in a Kleenex man-size tissue in a desk drawer. Unfortunately, Kleenex man-size tissues are outstanding for their absorbency, despite being very reasonably priced, and the particle must just have got sucked into the sub-atomic level of its extra-strong weave,’ explained Higgs, who had originally planned to appear at the ceremony in a Karl Lagerfeld-designed shirt made entirely from recycled Kleenex man-size tissues.
The Higgs boson gives everything in the universe its mass and has lately attracted the attention of dieters as well as sponsorship from Kimberly Clark, manufacturers of Kleenex man-size tissue. For example, Joachim Dunstable of ‘Lose Weight - Fast’, is advertising a new programme promising dieters they can annihilate eight trillion Higgs bosons in under two weeks, though the small print adds that this depends on whether or not they or the boson actually exist.
Meanwhile, Mrs Janet Higgs has told the Daily Mail the story of the living hell when her childish husband became obsessed with sub-atomic particles. The couple separated shortly after Mrs Higgs asked her husband ‘What exactly is the matter?’ and was unable to leave the room for three weeks while he told her.
‘Particle physics? Oh per-lease!’ wrote Janet Street-Porter' in her Mail column. ‘Not so long ago, Britain produced great artists like Normski, Elton John and the Pet Shop Boys, but now this once great nation is reduced to celebrating middle-aged, middle-class men who wear unfashionable clothes. I invented yoof TV, I’ve been a member of the Groucho Club, appeared on Question Time and survived life in a simulated jungle. Where’s my Nobel Prize?’
Subsequent attempts to show Ms Street-Porter and the rest of the Daily Mail that outsiders observing her had a material effect on them failed. Physicists are consequently questioning the entire basis of sub-atomic particle theory.