Proof today, as if it were needed, that the UK has the best law enforcement there is. Celebrated Birmingham police chief Bertie Plump reportedly managed to deduce that he had been mugged just one hour after the mugging occurred. He explains:
‘First thing was, I realised that I had significantly less money with me than I had had before’ Plump explains in his typical self-effacing manner. ‘About ten minutes later, I was in the little boy’s room, looking in the mirror, and I noticed I had bruises and mud all over my face. Which got me thinking – I had been feeling an unbelievable amount of pain in my head and gut for the last half hour, which somehow reminded me about that gang of raucous youths who had been kicking me on the ground for ages earlier and stamping on my face. And then, of course, I started thinking about the fact that they took my wallet during the aforementioned kicking-me-for-ages, and that I had been feeling rather ashamed and angry for some time. And then, you know, it all started to come together in my head. I've solved the case, I thought: surely what we have on our hands, is a mugging!’
Plump has instantly been taken on by MI5, who say he shows ‘unusual potential’, whilst several prominent detective novelist have attempted to buy the rights to his story. Mr Plump himself, however, insists ‘it was nothing’, and that any trained officer would've handled the situation just as capably, although he does so with a rather self-satisfied smile smearing across his face.