MI5 today confirmed that all its senior officers live on a secret desert island without any contact with the outside world, in order to guard against leaks.
'We realised after Philby that it was better if the senior people don't know anything about anything,' said a spokesman. 'We keep them locked up on a small island in the Caribbean and play white noise to them 24 hours a day. When they need to have a meeting, we wheel them out on trolleys and then yell into their ears for 4hrs, whilst they stand naked and drenched in front of an air-con unit on full blast.'
Commentators on the policy said that it is 'highly effective', with ample evidence that the leaders of Britain's security services are unaware of all events after 1962.