Since the announcement of the longest torch relay in Olympic history, some 65000km across Russia and some places claimed as Russian, such as outer space, further details have emerged of the torch and Olympic preparations. A source revealed, "Despite intense security, highlights of the torch's journey are being leaked. In particular, it is known that Putin will be pulling the flaming torch undimmed from between his heroically clenched buttocks whilst wrestling a bear."
When quizzed as to whether the Russian president would be wrestling the bear bare-chested, a Kremlin aide dismissed the suggestion on the grounds that Putin 'had his dignity to consider'. "Let us face it comrade", he said, "if this was Boris Johnson he would merely use the torch to light his farts through his imperialist trousers, then wave it around in front of the girls in an inept manner. Wiff-waff" he spat, contemptuously. "Putin is so much better than that."
In addition to the North Pole, the International Space Station, the bottom of Lake Baikal and the bottom of Putin, speculation is building that the torch will also make a quick diversion to Sputnik, another place close to the hearts of all red-blooded Russians. Vladimir Putin has denied that the Olympic flame might be extinguished by the more ambitious locations planned. "If Lord Coe can expose the flame to a torrential British summer, the infinite freezing vacuum of space will be of little concern to us."
The opening ceremony itself is a more closely-guarded secret, although it is thought that the artistic director, General Petrov, will borrow heavily from the gritty realism of Danny Boyle's NHS dementors-and-dead-children theme. It has been suggested that there will be a re-enactment of the iconic 'Moscow bread queue', stretching from the Olympic stadium to half-way across Poland. A member of the organising committee confided "of course it cannot be classed as an invasion because it is simply 'art'."
Intelligence sources are assessing an early report that the opening fireworks display may be in breach of the Anti Ballistic Missile Treaty. Putin is understood to have reacted to these rumours with an insouciant shrug and half smile into the middle distance, while wearing tightly belted leather chaps, and a dab of Old Spice.