Following a spate of natural and man-made disasters around the world since well, the year dot; hitherto unknown Turkey baster Paul Chinnup of King's Lynn, Norfolk, claims to have been selected to act as the voice of God, in a move that will no doubt anger the Vatican and it's own elected representative of the almighty.
Until now, the Papal presence in the Vatican has been considered (if only by the Catholic Church) to be the singular representative on this world of the One, the big cheese, the diamond encrusted omnipresent entity that created all. Or God, if you will.
Paul claims to have been visited whilst removing some lesions from his scrotum in a warm bath.
"There I was, wondering what they were, how they had got there, and why I had them" said Mr Chinnup, 44.
"My wife was leaving the bathroom and made a passing comment that God works in mysterious ways. The next thing, I heard this voice instructing me to spread a message from God himself".
"God wants the world to know that he does not work in mysterious ways" Says Paul, feverishly referring to the notes he made at the time of getting the message
"Sorry, the paper is still damp and the ink has smudged a little, so please bear with me" he added.
"Every day things happen, BAD things, ok and yes sometimes good things, like those lads in Lincolnshire fixing that bike rack. God did mention that, but takes no credit for it.. Said something about it being to do with alcohol, for which he does take credit.
300 people die in a forest fire and people say it's just God doing his thing.
A single person will escape that fire, and those same people say it must be down to his life being important.. some higher meaning for example.
Well let me tell you, God says it is nothing to do with him. Do we think he is some sort of monster? Shit happens, and sometimes people get lucky. God has pretty much washed his hands of us... sure he started it off, allegedly, but he lets us get on with it. He used to invest some time in the planet, but then as do we all with hobbies, he moved on to other things. He tried doing a job share, but the guy he shared with... I think he called him Jehovah, apparently took his eye off the ball, and some bloke called Jason Christ paid the price. Again, sorry, damp paper... looks like Jason anyway".
"All in all, nothing that happens here has any great significance. Just the way it goes. God had a right laugh talking about the people that think he created dinosaur fossils just to test our faith. All that crap about challenging us to believe, he couldn't give a toss. Quite modest he is, and funny. Not too keen on religion though" Said Paul in closing, as he carefully adjusted his position, moving the ice pack resting on his groin.
Early responses from the Vatican are not an attempt to denounce Mr Chinnup's claim, instead saying that "If God has spoken to Mr Chinnup, then it surely shows that each and every one of us are his children. All of us have a mission. This should be taken as a wake up call, challenging us to re-find our faith. In essence then, a test of our faith. After all, to decry his own existence, influence or power, is surely evidence of his existence. Er, well, except it's not really proof, as that contradicts the necessity of faith... hang on, let me rethink this... We will come back to you with a more nebulous response that is open to interpretation in a day or so"