A few years ago I was just a simple homeless tramp. But now I could pass for an Imperial Leather model. Here is my story. I was a victim of Blair’s Britain and was forced to tie up pensioners to encourage them to reveal their pin numbers just so that I could survive. And buy drugs. I was arrested and sent to Strangeplace where I sank to new depths of depravity that the outside world just wouldn’t understand.
My first encounter with soap came after just a few days inside. I had just finished a shit and was coming out of the cubicle when I was offered a little piece of carbolic by a lag who said to me “’Ere mate, why don’t you wash your hands.” I thought, why not – what harm could it do. But that night in the cell I couldn’t take my mind off how soft my hands felt, and I couldn’t get enough of that carbolic aroma.
Before long, I was washing my hands after every shit, and sometimes after a piss as well. One time, I even washed my hands before dinner – and they weren’t even dirty. I became well known in the jail as a “washer” and one day I was approached by a lacky of “Mr Clean” who suggested that I try one of their speciality soaps like Camay and Lifebuoy. Or sudz as they are known on the inside.
Before long I was spending 10 minutes a day in the shower on sudz. People began to notice my perfumey smell and began to treat me like a pariah. But I didn’t care – I just wanted to get cleaner and cleaner. I managed to smuggle some liquid hand cleaner into my cell, but that was confiscated by the screws after a shakedown. Probably took it home and used it themselves, the clean bastards.
In the end I was swapping all my drugs and baccy for personal hygiene products. You daren’t drop your fags on the floor in that jail – you never know if someone is going to sneak up behind you and give your arse a quick wash.
Since then I’ve moved on to shampoo and even mouthwash, although I have drawn the line at moisturiser – I’m not a poof. I am being released on parole next week and have been given a job to try to get me used to being dirty again. I will be working at the municipal refuse collection centre where I will be searching through bins to try to catch people who have been putting their recycling into the wrong coloured bins. But deep down I know it won’t be long before I am back down at my local Boots and back on the sudz.
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Soap addicts in our jails
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Posted 2 years ago #
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