Benji Hanwell, a 12 year old from Hackney, has had a mid-life crisis.
Mates say the change happened suddenly, the moment Benji noticed he was starting to grow a beard. Since, they claim, Hanwell has been shirking his fatherly responsibilities. Reports suggest that last week Hanwell impulsively stole a sports car, that he has been looking up old girlfriends on Facebook, and trying to sleep with girls half his age.
Hanwell has reportedly stopped taking any drugs, saying he wants to "experiment with his consciousness." Class mates say he spends all of break-time peering with a mixture of nostalgia and resentment at the primary school across the road, and that lessons have become a "nightmare", as Hanwell sits obsessively comparing his appearance to other boys of his age, refusing to cause any serious problems for the teacher. Friends, lamenting this point, say "he’s just lost any sense of what’s fun."
In response, Hanwell blankly told our reporter "I did so little last year that I literally watched the seasons change. What’s the point? So I get to cause trouble and upset people really well for a few years, then what? You can’t take that stuff with you, you know?"
An enthusiastic contemporary of Hanwell's says he tried to perk the kid up, cheerfully telling him "Come on, mate, you won't always feel like this." To which Hanwell dryly replied "Yes. And neither will you."
Nothing, it appears, can be done.
Despite this however, teachers have come out in support of Mr. Hanwell, one saying "Good on the kid! Never thought he was intelligent enough to be miserable. Well done!"