After a short run of bad form, the players of Manchester United have reportedly come to blows over who was most poorly during such lackluster performances.
The trouble began when defender Rio Ferdinand slyly mentioned in a press conference that he had been suffering a minor groin ailment recently. Since then, several colleagues have come forward with complaints, Robin Van Persie claiming that doctors aren't sure whether he has the correct amount of blood (although he was wary to assert whether they think he has too much or too little), and Ryan Giggs claiming to suffer from the early stages of 'face cancer'. Wayne Rooney later told the press he'd had troubles with anxiety recently, because he couldn't tell if his eyes were closed in the dark. He says the simultaneous worry that he is blind and has lost the ability to close his eyes makes his ailment by far the worst.
Reports say the team's dressing room is has become a 'hostile environment', with players rubbing up against, and even licking one another in hopes of catching something nasty. Some even claim players have manufactured familial problems to appear more put-upon, Nani supposedly coming out as gay just to create tribulations for himself.
Even manager David Moyes has been at it, said to have left the City of Manchester stadium complaining of 'ear-ache in his arsehole' and 'migraines in his arteries'. He later asked a journalist how he was supposed to manage a football team successfully given such disadvantages, then later in the interview broke down, crying 'my parents are going to die, one day!' until reporters awkwardly shuffled away from him.
However, such excuses have provoked a backlash, with many United stars secretly going to the press to talk about how healthy their colleagues are. Marouane Fellaini alleges he has pictures of Danny Welbeck partying at a strip-club, snorting lines of cocaine off hookers bellies the night before United's 4-1 defeat to rivals Man City, claiming Welbeck is clearly very healthy in such pictures, and therefore has no excuse not to have performed in the big game. Wayne Rooney termed Giggs a 'rotten liar' and claimed he had, just last week, got the all clear from his doctor on not having face-cancer.
A happy ending for all, however, as all the player's ailments appear to have found a common cure - a 2-1 victory over Sunderland.