Gamers were delighted by the news that the Konami video franchise will offer additional game modes, more sweating than 'Michael Gove in an algebra test' and a collection of 'colourful melanomas'. Improved realism means you will be able to hear the crowd roar for sun block, the fourth official's skin crisping and watch as a pasty Wayne Rooney as he spontaneously bursts into flame.
While FIFA officials may argue over the relative merits of a sizzling 'winter' versus a sweltering summer, football fans agree that Pro Evo's simulation will still be hotter than anything Miley Cyrus has planned. 'Every detail will be replicated,' promised a spokesman. 'In-game weather reports will be replaced by the sound of a chicken laying a hard boiled egg. Urine hurled in plastic containers by hooligans will be the darkest yellow, to indicate appropriate levels of dehydration. And animated players will come in range of kits including original recipe, well-done and extra crispy'.
The 'difficulty settings' progress as the game begins on grass but transforms into sandpit and finally onto a sheet of pure glass. The video game promises to perfectly simulate free-kicks, third degree burns and Sepp Blatter laughing all the way to his Swiss bank account. While a new graphics engine will provide a panoramic view of the stadium; including liquidising asphalt, migrant workers falling from scaffolding and clinically obese England fans selling their shade.