Amid calls for a 'suicide audit' on the IoW, one set of parents have bucked the trend of trying dissuade their son from 'taking one for the Reaper'. Mr & Mrs Doemungle of Appuldurcombe insist their 19 year old has 'overstayed' his welcome on this mortal coil and should give some serious thought to 'going into the fertilizer business'.
'It's not that we dislike the little fella,' explained Mr. Doemungle. 'But Paul's fundamentally whiny, bland and so overdue for reincarnation. Youth unemployment, Gary Barlow unveiling a new solo album and Blackgang Chine closed for November - honestly, what's he got to live for?'
Even friends of Paul have struggled to justify his existence. One chum said: 'Paul's not clinically depressed he's just a bit mopey. Even compared to your average 'Caulkhead', he's devoid of wit, imagination and with a totally unflattering hair cut. Worm food is too good an ending for him.'
Unfortunately, as yet, Paul has shown no inclination for taking a 'dirt nap'. The closest he has come to wandering Elysian Fields, was getting his face painted at Bestival. 'We've tried leaving hints,' said his mother. 'We've left scattered around his bedroom Sylvia Plath's collected poems, Emo fetish clothing and the 'Isle of Wight Pop Up Book of Fun'. You'd think suicide themed songs, angst and Cowes Week would be enough to make him curious about what grass looked like from underneath.'
Currently Paul has been sitting in his bedroom for a whole day, staring at his meaningless BTEC National Diploma. Unmoved by living on a sun-drenched Jurassic island, maybe Paul can at last see the merit in 'popping his clogs'. His parent's have provided a economy size bottle of sleeping pills, in the hope that he might wake 'in a better place, that's not Ventnor'.