You have no mother and father. You are seriously ill and in pain. And you face violent death at the hands of a highly skilled hunter. That is the cruel hand that life has dealt you, if you are an orphan baby fur seal with cancer.
But there’s no need for despair: SCOBSC is at hand. We fly teams of veterinary oncologists, armed with machine guns and fully trained in relationship counselling, out onto the Arctic ice pack to save these poor creatures from the manifold threats that plague them. It is truly inspiring work. But it doesn’t come cheap.
That’s where you – yes you – can play a vital part. This early autumn pre-Movembertide, as the first Christmas cards alight on supermarket shelves, is a time to think of others. And while some may think of humans in distress, that’s all terribly complicated and are you sure you really understand what’s going on in Syria? Of course you don’t. So come to us, we’ve got cute fluffy animals. Just give us money and we can make you feel better about yourself and the world. Sponsor a seal today!
What your donation can get you
Peace of mind and a smugly self-righteous smile
Certificate with the photo and name of “your” baby seal on it – not that it means anything to the animal and you’ll never be able to tell from one another anyway
Fluffy baby fur seal toy: choose from Orphan (cries), Clubby (realistic crushed bloodstained head) and Sickie (thin and makes painful groaning sound when squeezed)
Seal Skin magazine full of full frontal close ups of seals, and appeals for more money
Seal Sickness boardgame (£50 and above donors only)
In fact as much tat as we can bothered to stuff in an envelope
How your donation can help
It’s best just to relax in the knowledge you’re doing all you can to make the world a better place. But if you insist on some details, then here’s the price list:
£10 is frankly not worth our while dealing with. Get real, cheapskate.
£20 pays for an hours’ rent for our central London office
£50 pays for lunch for one vet at one of our recruitment events
£200 pays for 10 seal pelts – it’s simpler just to buy the skin, as we don’t really know how to cure them and clubbing them puts them out of their misery pretty effectively, plus the fur trade is really very lucrative
£10,000 pays for a luxury Arctic cruise to find out if there actually are any orphan baby fur seals with cancer.