Following the end of the Conservative conference, Greater Manchester Police has confirmed that Eric Pickles remains trapped in the cargo lift of the Manchester Convention Centre.
'Attempts to winch-out Mr Pickles have been fraught, and quite frankly unsuccessful admitted Red Adair Jnr, who had flown in from the US to try and dislodge the enormous minister' adding that 'Not even BP could deal with such an environmental disaster if he bursts after not going to the loo for over 24 minutes.'
Adair now believes that the best option is to remove the lift ceiling and the roof above the lift shaft at the convention centre, and to 'Light the blue touch paper, or pile as it may become known' as Mr Pickles emits a love-puff. The resulting explosion is expected to launch the gargantuan politician at least 100 feet into the air resulting in the destruction of the convention centre and most of central Manchester.'
'It'll be like the IRA bomb in the 80s, but probably smellier' and we hope he lands on the clock tower of Manchester Town hall where lots of local government workers will be delighted to assist him. Added Nick Clegg. We wish him well.'