Aliens from the planet Gthargadrax in the Andromeda galaxy, 2.5 million light years from Earth, have admitted defeat in their attempts to interact with and breed from human beings. The news came after a failed programme of Earth landings and attempts to offer a series of lonely middle-aged American men mind-blowing sex with Galatea, a hot long-legged Gtahgadraxian.
'We came in peace,' said breeding programme manager Xeropos, 5,724, 'but lets face it, we failed. If we can't get Galatea pregnant by beaming up every semi-evolved misfit in Nebraska to have the old conjugals with her over the course of 30 years, it obviously isn't meant to be. Many of them talked about the experience but I still don't think we even convinced some of you that we were ever even there.'
Between 1955 and 1985, a series of Gthargadraxian craft arrived on Earth after multi-million year voyages, having breeding through an average of 780 generations en route to produce the hottest females in the universe. After landing at night in deserted woodlands in the quietest backwaters of the US, an archetypal lone human male was selected for cross-breeding.
Later, the Gthargadraxians tried again in a more heavily populated area of central Scotland, but this was also a resounding flop. 'US English is the language of the Universe and our gigantic brains are meant to be capable of translating every nuance of every form of communication,' said Xeropos. 'But in Falkirk we still couldn't understand a bloody word they were saying.'
As the Gthargadraxian fleet musters around Saturn for the long journey home, they are looking back on what might have been. 'With hindsight, going up to the first alcoholic inbred we met in America and asking him to take us to his leader wasn't the best way of going about things,' Xeropos said. 'Then again, until 2008 going straight to the top would have amounted to much the same thing.'