"Claiming that my father was a Marxist, or that there were many things about Britain which he despised, I can cope with" said the Labour leader. "In fact, statements like are great for enhancing my left-wing cred."
"But to dare to suggest, however indirectly, that my father might actually have gone to Eton school are not only completely untrue, but also hugely damaging to my political reputation. Such evil lies could destroy my career (such as it is) altogether, and we will sue the publishers for millions."
A spokesman for the Daily Mail said "Bugger - we hadn't thought of saying that. That would have been a far for effective way of attacking the Labour leader. The trivial fact that it would have been patently untrue is of course irrelevant."