In a bold move, the Conservative leader has pledged to keep all under-25s in education; meaning a bumper crop of veterinary surgeons, trainee teachers and frighteningly large primary school kids. Thus the UK's unemployed youth will no longer be obliged to mimic the Tories by avoiding 'tax, honest graft and ironing their own shirts'.
Mr Cameron promised to create a 'land of opportunity' for a generation of doctors: 'Of course if every youngster has a medical degree, we are going to have a shortage of patients,' admitted one Minister. 'That's why George Osborne is working tirelessly to create outbreaks of scurvy, malnutrition and disease amid the indentured populace'.
A spokesman for Michael Gove explained people just needed a 'nudge', 'a thump' or 'an electrode to the testicles' to motivate them to apply to medical school: 'You don't need Alevels, you just need your welfare support cut. Yes, you'll owe £46,000 at the end of the process but a young thing like yourself can always go on the game'.