Food writer and baking expert Mary Berry is gearing up to swap her apron for a gas mask and eggs for concentrated methylamine this winter, as the BBC commission its December primetime cookery programme, 'Baking Bad'.
Following a similar format to the hugely popular Great British Bake Off, a group of budding drug dealers and wayward chemistry teachers will be tasked with producing the 'purest possible' crystallised methamphetamine, under the watchful eyes of 'Methsperts' Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood.
'I was made aware of the show back in January; it's all been very hush hush', revealed Mary today. 'I'm more familiar with rhubarb tarts and fruit cakes than I am ephedrine and hydrochloric acid, but I've done a lot of jolly good research; living in crack-dens in Harlow every other weekend'.
When asked about her experience in using crystal meth herself, Mary added, 'well, I need to practice what I preach, so of course I've dabbled. We've all heard the phrase, "never trust a skinny chef", well you should never trust a healthy meth cook. With that in mind, naturally I'm not looking my best at the moment. It seems to have hit Paul harder, though; I believe he's a fully-blown meth-head now'.
Paul Hollywood, who has lost a remarkable 6-stone since beginning his research for the show, screamed: 'I personally can't wait for the taste test. I expect to be well and truly off my swede by plate number three. Now if you're done asking questions, can somebody please get me out of this spaceship, I need to call Scooby Doo to sort out this giant pink elephant in my shoe'.
Hollywood was then removed from the studio after maniacally dropping his trousers to expose his big 'soggy bottom'.