William Hague says he is concerned at the falling standards of international terrorism after a report claims Afghani based terrorist bombtards Al-Qaeda will be dropping their minimum entry requirements.
Currently applicants only need to have a fanatically religious background, a ruthlessly unpitying attitude to the total cultural annihilation of the west and two Cs in Maths and English.
Mohammed Nadeem a recruitment officer at an undisclosed location on the Pakistan boarder says that by dropping ‘all that other stuff’ the organisation can increase numbers. “Now applicants just need the two 'Cs' and proof that an American airstrike has killed at least one member of their family…although a working ex-soviet Kalashnikov and their own goat is also acceptable”.
“You wouldn’t believe how quick we get through applicants…we had to plug a short fall in our “access to paradise” course, it’s a reflection of the problems faced by all the top terrorist organisations at the moment”
Al-Qaeda, the number 1 terrorist institution since surpassing the IRA in the 90s, have rejected Hague’s claims that loosening of admission standards will lead to a lower standard of terror inducing activities.
Speaking on a visit to the middle east the foreign secretary said “How can the British government justify all manner of foreign incursions, Black Ops and curbing of civil liberties if we have an under-performing terrorist sector”
This all comes at a time of increased competition, says a worried Mohammed “if we are not careful we may end up losing out to Al-Shabaab, what a waste that would be of all that British investment in Afghanistan.”