My Fellow Americans
As you flip through the channels between snatches of the World Cup games, I'd like to remind you that there are several major crises with which your Administration has effectively been dealing on your behalf.
Not the least is the liquidity and currency crisis which has caused 247 U.S. banks to fail, and entire nations to stagger under the burden of borrowings against unpayable debts collateralised, not against phoney insurance policies, but against their natural resources. As you can see, our Federal Reserve should and will come out on top. All the money of several sovereign nations now is now being airlifted to Wall Street, where your Administration, Fellow Americans, is doing its' utmost to prop up the open every day. Not one U.S. broker or bank has been left holding the bag on a Friday for the last 3 years. You'll agree, Fellow Americans, that your pension funds, medical insurance and unemployment payments were but a small price to pay for this magnificent result, especially when matched by those of foreign layabouts so that the end score is even. Everyone's on their own and Milton Friedman is pleased.
Now I realise, Fellow Americans, that there's anxiety about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, and you'll remember perhaps that Louisiana is located down there and wonder what produces so many natural catastrophes in such a bountiful and lovely land. Well, they had it coming to them: we bought it from the French monarchy and the people there didn't mind. Halliburton, an American employer, wanted more contracts and budgets for the Middle East are pretty much maxxed out, you can't exchange the dollar for the peso any more, and exchange rates for the bolivar, remnimbi, the kroner as well as yaks, sheep and goats seem to be hitting a strangle point beyond which our banks can't make any deal at all. We've taken back all those flashy properties the last administration feather-bedded for themselves and it looks as though Florida will never be the same: Enronised, Halliburtonised, and Fedded: what could go right for the white-shoe crowd today?
It's clear, Fellow Americans, that unless this country can identify more people to kill with fully-financed American weapons, which we're having increasing difficulty selling abroad now the focus is on low-value riot gear and crowd control, the entire country is in for a good bout of cleansing.
And that's why, Fellow Americans, you elected a cleanup man.