At 17:00hrs GMT the alien known as ‘Danny Dyer’ responded to a homing beacon sent from Elstree Studios, having completed his solo mission to destroy the British Film Industry. In keeping with his amphibious DNA, the Caning Town ‘actor’ is expected to return to the ‘spawning beds’ of the Queen Vic this Christmas.
As is well known, EastEnders is but one of several soap-opera ‘colonies’ established as elaborate alien experiments, to gauge the boredom threshold of unsuspecting earthlings. In fact, David Icke has often warned that our Alien Overlords ‘will not be content’ with a regular prime-time slot on terrestrial TV, but will want to branch out into low-budget cinema, Chas’n’Dave tribute bands and Michael Caine impersonations. EastEnders has slowly been paving the way for a full scale invasion with its repetitive storylines, cheeky banter and aversion to the phoneme ‘th’.
‘While alien abductions of classically trained actors have supplemented the cast in the past’, explained one BBC Executive. ‘After a quick rendition of ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’, an anal probe and ten minutes with Ian Beale they disappear. Whereas Dyer, is as cockney as having your kneecaps smashed with a blunt instrument. And Danny is relieved to at last be able to shed his artificial human skin and adopt his natural pearl encrusted exoskeleton’.
A leading expert on alien sightings commented: ‘Historically there have been some tensions between the two races. Not least of which has been our consumption of jellied eels, which are of course the unfertilized eggs of Barbara Windsor. Likewise, attempts by the cast of ‘Coronation Street’ to cross-breed with humans have gone disastrously wrong.