The men in whose hands the world’s fate depends complained about their respective mothers’cooking, exchanged knock-knock jokes and planned a prank call to President Assad, claiming the Syrian leader had ordered over a hundred pizzas from a Washington bakery and did he want Coke or Sprite to accompany them and could he give like a credit card number for the bill of $178?
In developments of historic significance, Mr Obama introduced the Iranian President to the idea of the elephant joke with the one about America’s favourite singer “Harry Elafonte”. Mr Rouhani asked Obama whether he could text hm some like “special” pictures of Michelle. “Don’t worry, he wasn’t offended or nuffink,” said the Iranian leader on state TV. “He like totally took it as a joke, and I reckon he’s a safe guy, innit.”
“We were in fits,” Obama told the White House press corps yesterday. But the two men denied they had a “phone farting” competition, or made personal remarks about the hair colour of US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. The call lasted nearly an hour.
The President of Iran let it be known to the Iranian parliament how the call ended. “I said to President Obama you hang up first and he said no you hang up first and I said no you rang me so YOU have to ring off first. And at first it was like no one’s gonna win and we’d be doing it for ever? It was that thing wiv old bread that’s gone all hard and that. Like stale, mate. That went on for about ten minutes. In the end he rang off first so that’s one up to us turban and beard guys, right?”
Mr Rouhani continued: “Let me say, like, that we have gained a strategic advantage from this unorthodox contact with what we used to refer to as the Great Satan. Cos what Barack doesn’t know is that I like RECORDED THE WHOLE THING with this app you can get and it’s ony £1.69? But you gotta have IOS 7 which I totally have had since the update. Which I have got in Persian, which is rare, man! So fuck Android, cos they don't even got it in Arabic?!
And anyway I am SO gonna threaten to put it on Youtube as a bargaining ploy related to controlling the delicate balance of military power in the region, which could dictate the direction of like international affairs for decades to come and that?”
Mr Rouhani also revealed plans about how he might manipulate the media further: I’m gonna like prank up Jeremy Bowen, the BBC Middle East correspondent guy next week by phoning him up and pretending he’s like been invited onto a new Al Jazeera reality show where he has to eat spiders or something in exchange for surrendering nuclear shit. Workin’ on the details! Rofly, or what? You know, the TV guy with the moustache.”