FOR HOUSEKEEPING PURPOSES ONLY. NOT SUBMISSION.
Davros to no longer receive incapacity benefit
Davros, creator of the Daleks, has reacted angrily to news that he will no longer be eligible for incapacity benefit.
Despite being confined to a wheelchair, having the use of only one hand and monocular vision, the brilliant but twisted scientist was informed that he would still be capable of undertaking basic clerical or catering-centric roles.
Davros, who is originally from the planet Skaro but has been living in Hammersmith since 2008, is said to have screeched at benefit clerks: “You dare to defy me. I am Davros! I am the creator of the Daleks, the supreme power of the cosmos!! You must, you will, OBEY ME!!!
“I’m still getting the housing benefit though, right?”
Simon Woodburn, the benefits apparatchik in charge of Davros’ case, said: “We got him a job in a call centre where his distinctive rasping electronic voice was perfect for directing callers to the right department.
“Then we found out he was telling customers that as well as recording their calls for training and quality purposes they would be sought out and exterminated. Of course, this wouldn’t have been a problem had he been working for a telephone and broadband supplier, but sadly the company in question viewed it a betrayal of customer trust.
"I think he's only really interested in hanging about his lab all day, tinkering with his mutants and plotting universal domination.”
Under the new regulations Davros was told he would have to undergo a thorough physical examination to check he wasn't malingering.
Woodburn said "All we said to him was how do you fancy seeing the Doctor? And he went absolutely mental."
Shadow work and pensions secretary Douglas Alexander criticised the government for singling out the many disabled people such as Davros who were undeniably gifted, but evil.
Iain Duncan Smith, Work and Pensions Secretary, refuted the accusation and said: “My welfare reforms are designed to help anyone - even someone as hateful, spiteful and brimming with disgust at the whole of creation as Mr Davros - find regular employment. I mean there are people out there willing to employ Richard Littlejohn, so anything’s possible.”
Suu Kyi tells British press she’s really not ready to start dating
Burmese pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi has told the British press that she hasn’t any plans to start dating, and to stop asking her.
Suu Kyi, a widow, says that she intends to focus instead on creating a peaceful revolution in Burma; but when pressed by journalists from the British tabloids said she obviously couldn’t rule out dating if she met the right man.
She added: “It would, however, still prove a distraction from my mission to bring democracy to my troubled country.”
Marianna Holt, writing in The Daily Mail, said: “Suu Kyi is bound to feel awkward about getting back on the circuit, especially if she’s the type who doesn’t get out much. However, this doesn’t mean she should sacrifice meeting a nice fella just because she wants a career. What’s the point of having a Nobel Peace Prize if you can’t turn up at the awards dinner with a dishy looking man on your arm?”
Polly Neame, Ladies News Correspondent at the Daily Express, said: “I guess she has been meeting a lot of military types, and while its true women love a man in uniform, I think in her case she’ll have found them a bit uptight and overly-protective.
“I’m betting she’s a sophisticated lady with an interest in the arts, outdoor pursuits and interior design. She needs to find a man who likes the same things, like that lovely John Simpson from the BBC. He’s obviously taken a bit of a shine to her, and he could get her interested in other stuff, like politics.”
Suu Kyi has also requested The Daily Star stop phoning on a regular basis to inform her that rugby player and Strictly Come Dancing star Gavin Henson is ready to love again.
“Aung San and Gavin getting together would be absolute dynamite,” said Daily Star Editor Chris Briggs. “Or better still what if she met and she married Jean Claude Van Damme, and became Aung San Van Damme?”
No-one from the British Press Association or Foreign Office was available for comment, but Daybreak host Christine Bleakley said: “Does Burma have a football team? Footballers are nice.”
UK and France agree to ‘timeshare’ navy.
The UK government will today sign an historic armed forces treaty with France, which will see both countries sharing the same navy.
Britain will have the navy Monday to Wednesday lunchtime, France will have the navy Wednesday lunchtime till Friday and the two countries will swap aircraft carriers, jump jets, frigates and submarines alternate weekends.
Prime Minister David Cameron said, “Let me make this perfectly clear Britain still very much rules the waves, but we will be sub-letting those waves on a bi-weekly basis.”
In relation to nuclear weapons Britain will create and build nuclear bombs and the French will drop them.
President Nicolas Sarkozy outlining the plans, said, “We must play to our strengths. The United Kingdom will continue paying for nuclear weapons it can’t really afford and we will continue exploding them on small islands in the Pacific.”
Mr Cameron defended the controversial treaty and said, “This agreement should not be considered a loss of sovereignty, if only because that would technically be an act of war and we’d need all the ships we could lay our hands on.”
The UK's shadow defence secretary Jim Murphy said, “I applaud the government for doing its bit for international co-operation but I wonder whether it might have been better to co-operate with a country that we haven’t gone to war with so many times in the past?”
Defence Secretary Dr. Liam Fox dismissed Mr Murphy’s concern and said. “In the unlikely event of a war with France we’ve already agreed to hire the German navy to cover the days the French are attacking us with our own fleet.”
However, Mr Murphy pointed out that in such an eventuality the French would simply put in a call to the Russian navy.
“Eventually, everyone’s armed forces will be made up of everyone else’s armed forces, and you won’t know who’s firing at who,” protested Mr Murphy.
“No, that’s the American model you’re thinking of,” corrected Dr Fox.
The First Sea Lord Admiral Sir Clive Gently gave the proposals a lukewarm response, “Initially, this whole process is going to cost money not save it. Considering the standard of GCSE French in this country we’re going to have to go round and make all the signs and instruments bilingual. The last thing you want is some spotty cadet sinking the ruddy thing because he doesn’t know what ‘n'ouvrez pas le hublot’ means.
“Actually, what does it mean?”
Meanwhile, Norway has pulled out of a similar navy sharing deal with Spain, saying the debt-ridden Spanish fleet was lacking both technologically and militarily. The Spanish government responded angrily to the remarks and immediately recalled all its galleons.
Cameron reminds UK public to turn the clock back ‘thirty years’ this weekend
Prime Minister David Cameron today asked the people of Britain if they wouldn’t mind turning their clocks back an extra ‘thirty years’ on Sunday night.
“By Monday morning I confidently predict our entire country will be waking up to November 1st 1980,” said Mr Cameron. “We’ve done all the necessary groundwork some of it essential such as laying vast amounts of people off and some of it frankly less enjoyable such as getting Spandau Ballet back together.”
Mr Cameron sporting red braces and clutching a Filofax said he was excited about the coalition’s plan for mass revisionism, which has been dubbed ‘The Great Leap Backward’.
He was flanked by the Deputy PM Nick ‘Cleggers’ Clegg, wearing a multi-coloured jumper and ‘Frank Field says Relax’ badge.
Labour attacked the plan saying it would be more sensible to turn the clocks back to the height of the London Blitz. Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson said, “In those days when people talked about ‘broken Britain’ they meant the bits hit by the Luftwaffe. Neighbours could go out and leave their doors open, assuming they still had doors, and child benefit was eight shillings a week, the same as now.
“Let me be clear on one thing, I think it’s probably best to go back somewhere near the end of the war, probably 1949, as this means the next ten years will be a period of unprecedented growth. Cars will go into mass production and become affordable to all. Electric kettles and toasters will become commonplace.“
The Prime Minister poured scorn on Labour’s plans and said, “We bring big hair where they would bring flares; we bring Rubik’s Cubes where they would bring boob tubes. This is what I mean when I talk about the Big Society – enormous hair, huge shoulder pads and oversized red glasses.”
Mark Harrison, a behavioural scientist at Durham University, said, “Many people will look at these changes as nothing more than an excuse for a crafty extra thirty years in bed. However, we have to expect that unemployment will rise, the gap between rich and poor will widen and that greed and screwing each other over will once again be considered the norm.
“However, on the plus front Paris Hilton will only be a toddler so it won’t seem so annoying that she constantly talks shit and keeps falling over.”
'Show us yer tits', to no longer be considered acceptable office language
The government has introduced a new Equality Act, aimed at banning discrimination by employers and ensuring the unbroken tedium of working life is restored.
It will now be frowned upon for bosses to slap and pinch the bottoms of female workers, wink lasciviously at temps and mock lady colleagues with large chests. Under the new Act, disabled workers and older employees can also no longer be referred to as ‘wheelies’ and ‘dribblers’.
Equalities Minister Theresa May said: “This legislation is essential if workplaces are to become somewhere people tip-toe through, unable to say a word for fear of offending that big gay guy on reception.”
News of the Act has been greeted with dismay by balding, overweight male employers in their 40’s.
Ron Pember, who runs his own engineering design firm in Wolverhampton, said: “This is disastrous news for us. We have quite a few birds working here, a couple of kids who are a bit special needsy and an asian fella. Our daily routine pretty much revolves around uncalled-for-flirting, casual racism and outright abuse. This is an attack on the cultural foundations of the British workplace. I hope this doesn’t mean we have to stop ripping the piss out of those two Polish blokes as well?”
Under the new Act, anyone exhibiting language or behaviour that offends a colleague can raise a formal complaint.
Paul Plumber, a 26 year old advertising executive from County Durham, said: “I can’t believe it. I’ve been told I can no longer laugh along with a supplier or customer on the phone before replacing the handset, wiping the smile from my face and referring to them loudly as a wanker. Until now this has been the only thing stopping me from coming to work, putting a pistol in my mouth and cocking the hammer.”
The pay barrier discriminating against employees who were previously considered a bit shit, lazy or ugly will also be removed, so long as they make a sufficient song and dance about it.
“What about people like Helen, our deputy manager, who’s been off for a month with stress,” complained Mary Cook, an office manager from Birmingham, “she’s been seen in Summerfield and at the bingo, right as ninepence... but we’ve been told she is to be referred to as a valued colleague in a pressure-cooker role... and not a malingering cow.”
Theresa May added: “This new Act would not be necessary if workplaces weren’t crammed full of these insensitive bastards. Although, under the new Act we're no longer able to refer to them as such, and have to call them Visibly Unrecronstructed Employees.”
Network Rail announces new high-speed fares
Network Rail, which owns all of Britain's rail infrastructure, has welcomed plans to accelerate rail fares to speeds equivalent to 600mph.
Pat Butcher, Chief Executive of Network Rail, which has just made half-yearly profits of £229m, said he was confident British rail fare increases could soon hit a top speed of 16% a fortnight.
“Many people purchasing a cross-country ticket will soon have to purchase an additional ticket midway through the journey in order to keep pace with increasing ticket costs,” explained Mr Butcher, struggling to suppress a giggle. “Only continuous investment in new technology and new networks allows train operators to commit this sort of daylight robbery at prices unheard of outside of airport gift shops.”
He was then seen to cackle with glee and hop from foot to foot doing a little dance.
The government has pledged to invest £8bn of so-called ‘sucker funds’ into the project, which is designed to get yet more gullible saps onto the rail network.
Transport Secretary Philip Hammond denied that the new hyper-fares would drive more people onto the roads. “That's highly unlikely, as we’re going to start charging tolls for using them as well. So it’s either bend over and take it up the sooty tunnel, or attach a spotted hanky to a pole and traverse the country in the manner of a Depression-era hobo.”
2,000 new carriages will be introduced over a nine year period enabling the still-far-too-many new passengers to experience the aroma that exists beneath a taller person’s armpit, or the sensation of a short person’s nose being pressed vigorously into one’s crotch.
In addition to the high-speed fares, train companies are also expected to raise the price of a basic cup of tea or coffee served from a wonky over-laden trolley from an average £8.50 to an eye-moistening £11.99. These hot beverages, which normally reach temperatures in excess of 5778 kelvin, only achieve a drinkable heat within two minutes of a passenger’s destination, and even then can still cause mild scorching.
Both Mr Hammond and Mr Butcher defended the increased cost to travellers.
Mr Butcher said, “These super fast fares are essential if we want to keep pace with profits in other parts of the world.”
While Mr Hammond argued, “We’re very keen to see these increases because fundamentally we’re bastards.”
Lembit Opik accused of mesmerising beautiful young women using magic ring
“I’m a Celebrity” star Lembit Opik is facing accusations that he possesses a mystical ring of power, which he uses to influence naive but attractive young women.
The ring, which said to be fuelled by the dying heart of an alien sun, has proved powerless against the collective will of voters, but can still completely mesmerise weather girls, models and lower level pop singers.
Guardian magic correspondent Alistair Bongo says: “The ring generates a force-field around Opik that appears to make flighty young things think that he’s George Clooney or something.
“I mean how else do you explain it? He looks like the front end of a pantomime horse, and yet he is constantly coated in hotties.”
Opik’s current girlfriend is 21-year old drama student Merily McGivern, whom close friends contest is either going all out to win a dare, or is completely under the spell of the 45-year old former Human Resources Training Manager.
Now the News of the World is planning to reveal CCTV footage it has obtained showing Opik backstage at a recording of “Saturday Kitchen”. In the video the former MP is seen recounting a recent history of Leicester City Football Club to a disinterested young blond female production assistant.
Opik then gives a sly smile and is heard to whisper, “Do you like my ring, pretty lady? See how it sparkles and gleams. See the fire burning deep inside it.”
As the girl stares into the ring, Opik intones, “Anall nathrach, orth'bhais bethad, doche'l de'nve”, the ancient Welsh for ‘If you want my body and you think I’m sexy.”
Alistair Bongo says, “This is a powerful spell, long rumoured to act as a babe magnet for those born with a face like a muppet under a blow-lamp.”
The young girl’s eyes then noticeably glaze over and she throws her arms around the Daily Sport columnist and aspiring stand-up comedian.
Bongo adds, “Considering his CV Lembit Opik should spend every night alone, relieving himself to the underwear section of the Kay’s catalogue. Instead, his headboard has notched up Sian Lloyd, a Cheeky Girl and even a lingerie model.
“Some say he does it through wit and charm, but the facts say it be witchcraft.”
Opik has issued a statement refuting the accusations and saying, "You are getting sleepy, very sleepy... "
Scotland to gift two ‘NEDS’ to China
Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond today signed an historic agreement to send two giant Scottish neds (non educated delinquents) to the People’s Republic of China. It is the first time these two particular Scottish neds have been out of the country since an infamous trip to Ibiza in 2001.
The deal is part of a multi-billion pound plan to sell off the less useful members of Scottish society to the Chinese, who are developing a process of melting them down and using them as a form of industrial glue.
The pair, named Shuggie and Senga, are breeding neds, who are expected to produce an near endless litter of cubs or ‘weans’ at the Chinese people’s expense.
Grant McDougall, Professor of NED studies at the University of Dundee, said: “Neds actually breed very easily in captivity, which is why they are rarely allowed to share a cell.”
The neds will be under the custodianship of the Chinese Wildlife Conservation Association, who have turned a former monkey house into a suitable ‘nedquarters’.
“We’ve put in a top of the range plasma screen,” said keeper Tian Lee, “and there are mobile phones so the parents can communicate with their young. Greggs, the sponsors of the programme, will ensure that the neds are able to enjoy their staple diet of Irn Bru and pies, and we also have a wide selection of takeaway menus available should they decide to get a film out.
“If you close your eyes and face away from the bars you’d get almost no sense that this was once a monkey enclosure, although we have left the tyre on a rope. We reckon that’ll come in handy till we get their Kinect hooked up.”
Traditionally, the only neds conceived or born overseas have been in Spain.
However, a programme of school trips during the late 1990’s meant that neds approaching their natural breeding age (10 for males, 13 for females) had the opportunity to spawn as far afield as France, the Rhineland and Guernsey.
Not everyone has welcomed the decision though, with wildlife campaigners and other people in pullovers expressing welfare concerns.
“Neds are pack animals,” protested Sophie Greenwood, a ned psychologist, “Out of their natural habitat it is likely that these two lone neds will simply pull their caps down and sit hunkered in a corner of their cage, looking shifty.”
A spokesperson for the Scottish government dismissed suggestions the neds would find it hard to adjust to life in China, insisting that both neds were very excited about visiting the country where their colourful trainers are made.
Grey squirrels in bid to buy English forests
The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) says it intends to refer a bid by grey squirrels to buy vast tracts of England’s forests to the Competition Commission.
But it has offered the grey squirrels more time to address accusations from the red squirrel lobby that selling them the land would lead to an increase in hate crimes against reds, tree molestation and nut trafficking.
A charity consortium – Greys under Fire - made up of grey squirrels from across the United Kingdom, as well as a couple of disgruntled badgers and a former stoat, are leading the bid. Grey squirrels already hold a 40% stake in England’s woodland and are hoping to buy up the rest.
They own several UK newspapers, including the News of the Squirrel’d and The Furnancial Times and there are fears they are becoming too powerful a force in British public life.
The plan could lead to the sale of all land in England owned by the Forestry Commission, totalling 2,500 sq km. The government has promised naturalists and walkers that this does not mean Britain’s forests will become subscription only.
Celia Warboys CBE, chair of charity RedHeadz, said: “As much as many of us love grey squirrels, the reality is that they are devious evil little bastards who threaten our native species and wilfully pee in our trees.
“Grey squirrels are only interested in one thing, profit... oh, and nuts. Primarily nuts, I grant you, but trust me, profit is up there.
“Can they be trusted to look after our forests, and do you think they will stop there? I don’t want to be in a forest, looking up at the vast canopy of trees and see row upon row of squirrel dishes bolted to their trunks.”
Other critics, including celebrities Jim Dale, Alexi Sayle, Crystal Gale and Christian Bale have reacted angrily to the plan; whilst actor Jimmy Nail was unavailable for comment.
They accuse ministers of extending an olive branch to top level grey squirrels, which they have nimbly scampered up. However, a government spokesman refuted the claim, saying: “No-one from the coalition has met with senior squirrels, or any Spanish squirrel for that matter.”
Big Society success as community choir takes control of meals on wheels service
Prime Minister David Cameron has hailed the success of his Big Society programme, citing the example of South Oxhley Community Choir, which has been appointed to provide local meals on wheels services for the elderly.
Mr Cameron says: “The Big Society is about giving control of public services back to community groups and charities. What these local groups lack in experience, funding and competence they more than make up for through abstract concepts such as pluck, grit and good old-fashioned British spunk.”
Robert Fette, the Musical Director of the Choir says, “We were actually bidding to run an after-schools music project for 8-16 year olds. But beggars can’t be choosers, so we’re going to combine our challenging programme of Tippet, Purcell and Britten with the delivery of hot dinners to the elderly and infirm.
“Our busy rehearsal schedule means that the only dish we can provide on a daily basis is bangers and mash, but combined with a vibrant and ever-changing accompaniment of pop, gospel, classical and world music that is certain to brighten up meal times.”
Elsewhere in the district, South Oxhley Cat Rescue has pipped Tesco to the post and won control of local policing.
Ms Moira Finnegan, who heads up South Oxhley Cat Rescue, says: “This is very exciting. We intend to get officers to focus on making South Oxhley safer for everyone, but of course especially for cats. Some of whom get a terrible time of it. We are planning to apply to the Big Society Bank for funding so that local police officers will be able to get new uniforms, including ties with pictures of kittens on.”
However, it is not all good news for Mr Cameron.
Kelly Willis, a 23 year old volunteer at a local South Oxhley park, admits she was stunned to find herself completely in charge of the 25 acre site.
“A man came round in a council van,” says Miss Willis, “threw a pair of gardener’s gloves at me and said, right you are love, it’s yours. Then he sped off. I’ve appealed for volunteers, but now I need some other volunteers to look after the existing volunteers.”
Three Rivers District Council, which previously controlled public services in the area, is planning to lay off its existing social care staff and reopen as a Nandos.
Army apologises for sacking soldiers via Moonpig
The Army has apologised after 38 soldiers learned they were losing their jobs after receiving a personalised e-card from Moonpig.com
One soldier received his marching orders on his PDA whilst engaged in a fire-fight in Helmand province. The card - a spoof of an Indiana Jones movie poster with the soldier's face badly superimposed over an image of Harrison Ford – gave the soldier one year’s notice.
The card is reported to have read: “Dear Gary, ever thought what you would do if you weren’t in the Army anymore? Well, now’s the time to give it some consideration. There’s private security, or even the rough and tumble world of the mercenary. In any case, you might want to get your CV up to date, and please can we have all the weapons and the uniform back when you go. Best wishes, the Ministry of Defence.”
The Armed forces Minister Nick Harvey said that defence cuts were necessary, and that some time and effort had gone into downloading photos from Facebook and choosing a unique design from Moonpig’s really quite impressive range. He added that one of the warrant officers, who had received a card, remarked that Mulan was his daughter’s favourite Disney character and that it was, in many respects, a good choice.
The cut in armed forces personal is not restricted to the Army. Earlier this week a Tornado pilot received his P45 whilst on a training flight, with instructions to immediately eject and begin packing his bags.
However, the Minister accepted that the e-Cards were perhaps not the best way of breaking the news to the soldiers, some of whom had served at least 22 years.
He promised a full review and said it is likely that in future such sensitive news would not only merit a card but also a personalised mug or perhaps some form of novelty garment.
The Minister then revealed some of the proposed designs, which will features appropriate slogans such as, “I did two tours in Afghanistan, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” and “I’ve seen the Minarets at Basra.”