Britain’s idlers were left disillusioned after an appearance by Labour leader Ed Miliband in Edinburgh earlier this week. Miliband’s visit to the Scottish capital formed part of Labour’s 2015 General Election campaign, which promises to focus on setting out on a new, aggressive course as the 2015 general campaign unfolds. In his speech Labour’s front man turned his focus towards the cost of living in the UK and vowed to, if voted into office, especially reward those who “work hard and show great passion and promise in their community.” Despite initial positive responses, some commentators speculate the shift in rhetoric may particularly alienate less motivated members of society.
Arthur Covey (36) of Banstead, Surrey has identified himself among those neglected by Miliband’s words. “I mean, I get it,” Covey insisted. “It’s the nature of politics. He was just trying to please the crowd and knows nobody like me would ever bother to turn up to an outdoor rally anyway. Makes sense, right?” After losing his job as an office clerk for a medium-sized insurance company, Covey moved back into his mother’s attic. He spends his days logging on to online role-playing games and watching cat videos and porn. “I hope this is just a passing hype to woo diligent voters, but I need political representation too, you know,” Covey added, whilst unzipping his trousers and gesturing reporters back towards the attic hatch and out of the room.
Rosalyn Needham (44), a Derbyshire political activist representing dedicated layabouts in the area, reacted with particular gloom. “It’s just so discouraging to see the hard work we could be doing for the generally inert be ignored and disparaged for political motives.” Needham has seen her proposal to establish a Chesterfield Home for Trailers, Layabouts and Dillydalliers repeatedly rejected by the local Council and is nearing desperation. “It’s not a coincidence anymore. First Conservatives start slashing benefits left and right, telling people bluntly they should get off their arses and back to work, and now Labour’s starting. It’s just Tweedledum and Tweedledee all over again. And of course, not a peep out of the LibDems!”
In a final plea to the nation’s leaders, Needham and others are planning to compile a series of letters drawing attention to the situation. “We understand these are difficult times for all,” she explained, “but what kind of message are we sending to coming generations of passive lowlifes? This is very serious indeed.”
Through her grassroots operation channels, Needham had already asked do-nothings from across the country to contribute personal stories expressing their outrage and hopes for the future. “It’s been a good four months since we made the call. So far none have come in, but I’m confident we can make a stand here.”