After spending time reading faux or satirical news articles online, Joseph Capgras, an exasperated man from Ipswich, has recently confessed he has lost the ability to tell what is real and what is parody news coverage. And that it has left his world in tatters.
'You think you know, you know? But can you ever? No. I mean, it's just as if the real news is a parody of the parody. I was on the BBC's sci/environment page and found myself trying to rate the quality of the story's comic content out of five. Later, I found myself wanting to post suggestions for extra gags to add or absurd phrases to emphasize. I tried to Google 'Actual Lib Dem News' because I just couldn't comprehend that what I was reading wasn't a damned hoax!'
He says he's brought up faux 'news' stories at sophisticated dinner parties, and several times used mock articles to win intellectual debates. He's equally found himself in the awkward position of joyfully cackling at real stories which it was highly inappropriate to find comic, in fact losing several friends and degrees of self respect in the process.
'I laughed for eight minuets at this picture of a man with a nose on his head which turned to be a legitimate photo. Of a real man. With an actual nose on his head. Genuinely! I felt cruel, yes, but I also couldn't help think I wasn't entirely to blame?'
Ultimately this phenomenon has lead him to question the sincerity of all his friends ailments and misfortunes, not to mention their plans for life and beliefs about themselves. Giggling at friend's career aspiration, and worrying deeply about the stories they tell regarding various ethnic groups meeting in bars and chicken's crossing roads, the strains on his mentality are startling. He explains that he's had trouble taking his friends and family's affection seriously, which caused problems on his wedding anniversary, not to mention his children's birthdays, and at times they even appeared to him to be making fun of their own little habits; 'haha! Youdo walk like that!' he mirthfully told his wife, impressed, when she was just, well, walking. Even the history he knows has begun to appear dubious...
'I feel like I'm about to wake up and it'll be April 2nd' he mused, mistakenly thinking he was being poetic, 'I'm afraid I'm about to find out that women don't actually have the vote, or that Martin Luther King was just blacking-up the whole time! And I don't want that; I liked the real world, back when that was a thing, and I don't want to let go of it. It feels as if I, me, as in the person talking, am in a parody, and I can't get out! It's like there's someone on some shitty website, narrating my life for me, probably massively self involved and bored, mocking me as he goes' Capgras stupidly blubbered, clearly getting too big for his britches 'and all I want - I want to live in a world where everything isn't just a sardonic parody, where this sense of remorseless cosmic irony - "Blind man grows two extra teeth" - isn't guiding my life! Do I really wanna live in a word where politicians act so much like, well, politicians, and people actually read Dan Brown? It's like some joker is putting words in my mouth. And even if that joker is classically handsome and cumbersome well hung, I don't want any of it! I want to be allowed to say what I want to say without being edited to fit someone else's [brilliant vision] or being interrupted half way through a...'