The only thing standing in the way of England and World Cup glory is a cock and a pair of balls, according to football experts. After the England women’s team notched up consecutive 6-0 and 8-0 victories over footballing giants Belarus and Turkey, the FA are determined to go to any lengths to secure the coveted prize, including seven inches of tender man-meat.
England were phwoar-nil up within fifteen minutes of last night’s kick-off, but there was an isolated scare when midfield temptress Ellen White realised she had forgotten to pick the kids up. However shortly after returning, the 24 year-old stunner made it 5-0 after blue-eyed Karen Carney delivered an inch perfect cross in a perfectly ironed kit.
‘All this talk of national quotas and winter breaks is a little premature when some routine surgery, counselling and a lengthy course of injections can produce the next Lionel Messi,’ said FA Chairman Grey Dyke. ’Our best striker is even called Toni ’
Prior to her hat-trick, England’s curvaceous goal-ace Toni Duggan spent the day in a beauty salon meaning a return to fitness was never in doubt. ‘For the third goal, I saw the Turkish goalkeeper waving to a guy in the stands so I just went for it,’ she beamed. ‘We’ve worked so hard for this so it was a real treat when Roy Hodgson turned up in the dressing room with some pre-op literature and asked to be kept abreast of things.’
Meanwhile, the England manager has been delighted by the team’s progress. ‘With the proper equipment, there’s no reason why any one of these young hotties couldn’t make the men’s team,’ said Hodgson. ‘Such attitudes belong in the dark ages. Miss White has already started on a course of testosterone and has a moustache that Gary Neville would die for.’
‘Should the girls decide to go ahead with this really very straightforward procedure we have eleven dicks already lined up for them,’ he concluded. ‘Hart, Cole, Jagielka, Gerard, Lampard, Milner, Walcott.... ‘