Global warming is "unequivocal", according to a landmark report on the Earth's climate and a report by the UN's climate panel details the physical evidence behind climate change.
Scientists are 95% certain that a human has been the "dominant cause" of the rise in temperatures since the 1950s and have named that human as 57 year old Derek Crouse from Erith in Kent.
The panel warns that Mr Crouse's consistent use of hairspray for his Elvis quiff; his love of revving his car at traffic lights; and his enthusiastic and unashamed flatulence have been the single cause of climate change and it's global warming effects.
As the panel announced their research findings officials from industries such as Monsanto and BP solemnly shook their heads. Government officials from China and India promised massive sanctions against Mr Crouse. These include, but are not limited to, total embargo on any take away food from either of their nation's cuisines in perpetuity. Mr Crouse is said to be disappointed but has fancied a Pizza for a while anyway.